Healing Relationship Patterns

Do you know that feeling when you realize it... damn... you're back in the pattern again. You're doing the thing you swore you'd never do, and they're doing that thing again that irritates you most... that thing they vowed they'd never do. 

Oh those solemn vows... 

If you've been struggling to shift a pattern that seems endless, I wanted to take a moment to give you some alternative approaches that I've used with clients to make love better. 

Thy Most Dating and Relationship Coaches Fail (And what to do about it). 

Your relationship is not the product of what you do; it's a manifestation of what you believe about yourself. So the only effective strategy for transforming a relationship is to transform yourself. Otherwise, it's like shuffling around the furniture in a house with a foundation built on shifting sands. 


Why Expression is so Important for Healing

Welcome to one of my favorite seeds. One of the great joys of this work, to me, has been to see people move from being stifled and frustrated, to more and more fully expressed. What full expression means, takes careful consideration, because it is different for each of us, depending on our history, and our constitution.. The pivotal consideration is to lay down the artifice, drop the masks, and to let the essence have his or her voice.  It takes careful consideration, because for one person, sitting quietly may be their aligned expression in the moment, and for another, dancing wildly may be required. 

There are various forms of expression; creative, verbal, somatic, sexual. 

The Deep Somatic Healing Work, Sessions as the Alchemical Laboratory, and Unwinding Lifetime Patterns

When I started doing the healing work I do, the unlearning began. I quickly realized that everything I thought I knew about the body or the mind, was essentially, either wrong or incomplete. Things surfaced that I couldn't explain, and I simply had to be with them; serve as the witness. If I thought Jesus might show up, Buddha did, or if I thought ghosts were figments, they showed up. When I thought they'd be benevolent, they were angry, and when I expected anger, I was washed with love. The beliefs of clients danced with my own, and sometimes things neither of us believed in came crashing into sessions.

Turn around, the World is Behind You

I confess I'm a bit of a contrarian.  I often look at the opposite of what people presume to be true.  Truth is a fiction, and we generally follow the most powerful story tellers.  If you want to transform your life, look in another direction. Listen to other storytellers. It's always brought me a lot of pleasure To look at the other side of life. When I see a crowd gathering to gawk at something,  I make a point to look in the opposite direction. Opposite the sunset,  for instance,  the moon is rising over an oak tree.  Opposite the lion cage at the zoo, this glorious unfolding bloom.  I'd be the one in the Louvre,  Looking at the little painting across from the Mona Lisa. While there's a gravity toward the general consensus, the most famous is rarely the most transcendent. This goes for art as well as scientific theories.  And I've noticed  that when I look at the unseen long enough, others begin to gravitate toward it too.  We have the power to create our reality. And the reality of others.

So, as you turn your head and shift your focus, the world changes.

What do you see right now?

Love and Bloom, 

Steven Budden

The Revolution of Inconvenience (or Slowing Down to Find Life)

We live in a world where people worship convenience. It runs the economy; it shapes relationships. Whole empires are built upon developing quicker, easier ways to deliver people their desires. History has shown that people are willing to pay a premium for convenience. 

But convenience always comes with a trade off. The pizza that arrives to the door in 30 minutes or less is loaded with preservatives, flavor enhancers, and chemical 'god know's what.' Fruits and vegetables are genetically modified and packaged with preservatives, often in containers that leech unknown chemicals into the food, and then microwaved; the land is over-farmed and sprayed with synthetic fertilizers in an attempt to bring the people more of what they want. Crops are pushed to the brink of near extinction (bananas, for instance). While convenience is alluring, before we know it, we've traded our most cherished values for it. Real connection gives way to the digital matrix; we lose physical touch and intimacy as we zone out on screens; music loses quality so that we can carry more of it in the device in our pocket, which provides a near constant dose of radiation. Recently, I read about the correlation between the release of the iPhone and childhood depression. Of course, Many of us are in the crisis we are in because at some point we sacrificed real nourishment of the soul for the sake of a high-gloss, conveniently packaged substitute. 

Learning to Distinguish Fear from Intuition (a gift most don't possess)

It takes discernment to learn to trust the intuition. Often, when I hear someone state the message from their intuition, I question the source. When it is an ominous portent, the source is usually fear or old fashioned mind chatter. And once we listen to that voice, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and we say... 'see, my intuition was right!' 

Remember that the intuition chimes in through the body, so mastering your sensations and what they mean is supportive here. If you get the intuitive hit with the visceral knot, chances are it's not a clear channel... meaning, the 'intuition' is tinged with fear, based on past experience. Sit in the cauldron of the fear until it clears, until it completes, and then listen for the deeper voice. The visceral knot tightens and tightens until it vanishes. 

If you want to remain where you are, cling to blame; and if, on the other hand, you want to break free...

Blaming others for what we feel or where we are is destructive. Not so much to the person we blame, as to ourselves. If you want to remain exactly where you are, from the perspective of experience, blame your parents, blame the economy, blame the government. Instead of focusing on the solution, blaming gives the mind something to do. If you surround yourself with people that buy into your story, that solidifies where you are. So, to remain where you are, do that. Really entrench yourself. 

To change your life course, surround yourself with people that compassionately question your story. Break free. 

People that reach out for support of their own volition, compared to people who are sent over.

I always work at the level of the experience. People invariably try to pull me into their outlook. It's like a gravitational pull. I decline, and come back to... what are you experiencing and why? Not, 'what have they done to you?' 

I used to work with anyone, including people that were sent over by others.  I fell into that time and time again in the past, and learned the hard way. Usually it was a woman sending a man in to 'become more conscious.' Sometimes I needed the cash flow, so I assented, and perhaps I even entertained some hope. The results were always marginal, because the client was only going through the process because they felt compelled; because they wanted to be loved. They couldn't understand the work, because they hadn't found their own way in. They hadn't reached the crisis necessary to inspire dynamic growth.  

Fixing our Children, Fixing Ourselves; Loving Unconditionally all the While

Parents often write me and ask me to work with their children, often teenagers. Will I work with them... fix them? They have all of these issues. 

I often reply with something like: I'm sorry to hear about your challenges. I don't work with minors... I work with their parents. Because that is the source of much of the dynamic, and the best point of leverage in the equation. Our own issues, whatever they may be, profoundly affect our children, so the first stage is always the self work. 

When I say this, they usually don't follow up again. Perhaps they go look for someone else to fix their children. 

People are Generally Good.

One of my foundational premises is that people are generally good. People are inherently flawed, contradictory, mere mortals. They make mistakes, act out of fear, destroy when they mean to create, etc. However I believe that there is an awakening heart within those ribs, however empty the eyes appear, even when, especially when their behavior appears outrageous from our perspective. 

Our perspective is not the whole truth. As I sit down to interview people, it humanizes them, and my judgements fly out the window. My judgments arose out of disconnection; not being willing to put forth the energy to understand. As I do that, and listen deeply, they become more and more human again. 

Question every thought.

Most people live and die entirely by their assumptions, without ever really questioning their origins. You are a fluid constellation of stories. Refine the stories so that you are the hero rather than the victim. From this space, healing happens, love deepens creativity blossoms. It can't be otherwise. This is why incremental changes are sometimes harder to make than massive ones.

Life is a Story. How are you Telling It?

There's no such thing as an objective biography; the autobiography is as far from objective as one can get. I still enjoy reading them, though, because you can tell a lot about a person by what stories they tell. 

We move through life as storytellers, like the bards of old. We tell our story, consciously and unconsciously, vociferously or softly, to ourselves and others. Most people walk around unaware of the crushing song they're humming to themselves, and so 'lead lives of quiet desperation.' They sing the songs their parents sung. 

The way out of this loop is to catch yourself telling stories, and teach yourself to tell stories that are in alignment with the life you want to live into. It's as simple as that. 

Navigating Volatile Times

The constant permutations of reality can get uncomfortable, to say the least, in proportion to how adamantly we cling to the familiar. What we cling to is completely arbitrary, by the way. The more you think about the more you'll realize that every tradition is the product of its times, just as our times are birthing other traditions. Think of a father or a grandfather wearing the same style of shoes or dress for their entire lives. There's nothing inherently wrong with groping for certainly, unless it limits your life experience. 

We're indoctrinated into rhythms that repeat, the same yet different. Sea waves, seasons, moons, classes, etc. And through those experiences, we eventually learn that “The Only Thing That Is Constant Is Change ", as Heraclitus put it. Most people don't fathom it as a visceral reality. They sort of intellectually waft around it, still blindly clinging to the things they refuse to change. 

It is liberating to know that countless cells are dying and being reborn every second; that we are literally showing up to a new moment, and certainly a new year, with a body that is mostly new. And yet we think we are one way because we showed up that way in the past. Or maybe someone told us we were one way, though we've never set foot in that way of being, and we take it on as part of our identity. 

Free yourself. 

Accidental Enlightenment - How I Orchestrate Awakenings Somatically

I stumbled upon an awakening experience almost accidentally. After years of medicating obsessively, it descended upon me at the most inopportune moment. I was walking along a beach with my father, and a woman ran by. As a Pacific wave washed up, it swept the footprints away, and the sand was glass smooth. I saw her metaphorical legacy wiped out, and I was complete in the moment. I realized that there was nothing I had to do, and nothing I had to accomplish before I could fully be myself, and celebrate the moment. It was a joyous, bewildering experience. 

Years later, I began performing Bloom Breakthrough sessions, somatic sessions designed to orchestrate radical transformations. As I approached these sessions, though the outcome was always something specific; to break out of a chronic love pattern, for instance, or to support the body in healing a disease, or to shatter a creative block, there was something else always at work. I carried that awakening experience with me, to every session. 

Adjusting a Lifelong Love Pattern (in an hour)

A client came looking for support around ending a long-time partnership. As I looked down at his feet, I could tell that he'd faced severe trauma as a child, and had not processed it much yet. The toes were crowded together and were unable to spread and find the earth, the arches had collapsed, and there was a lack of flow to the blood vessels, indicating that a kind of energetic amputation had occurred. 

Most of us live lives of quiet desperation, mired in perennial loops. There doesn't seem to be much relief. Most practitioners would simply dive in and begin dissecting the relationship itself, its particulars, perhaps past relationship patterns, and belief systems without noticing this glaring detail; massive unresolved trauma... much attention still unconsciously flowing into the past. An approach like this is inherently flawed. It's like the allopathic model of medicine looking at a single organ instead of the whole organism. 

Strategies for Living More Fully, Awakening, And Breaking Free of the Past

Everything we do revolves around one premise: how to orchestrate the most dramatic breakthroughs within the shortest timeframes possible. We are obsessed with it. 

At a glance, I can tell where you are abound up in your body and mind, and we set to work within minutes. I'm sometimes guilty of flying through the formalities to get down to the deep work. I hope that is ok with you... time is precious. 

I've gathered much of my understanding of life and consciousness through an awakening experience that occurred a decade ago, and that has been nourished by other experiences that followed. I don't go about to convince anyone of my worldview conceptually, as that has severe limitations. We can't live by concepts. We live by experiences. And so I set about to develop a system in order to demonstrate the experiences that have enriched my life by a thousand times.